oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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