Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
