her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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