Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have demons in me.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
