Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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