my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
