Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize