so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
