i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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