I hate your face
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
