I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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