Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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