He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
