So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize