some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
