thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize