We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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