You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I didn't notice because vodka
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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