Your face is a jimmy john
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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