And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
