I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
