no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
