I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
