Define "chronic" masturbator.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
