I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
