mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We left the knife in your bed.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize