I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
