My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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