Need sex. Gaining weight.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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