Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
