I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
