life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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