stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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