I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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