why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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