upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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