there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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