It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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