Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
