well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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