I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
