im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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