you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
