Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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