I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
