Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We were destined to go to rehab together
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
