I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize