Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
