My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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