how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
