so that wasnt chicken after all
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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