piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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