Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
