Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
