Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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