Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
