I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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