I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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